MIAMI & MOMMY GUILT

boy was i procrastinating writing this post. this weekend was wmc in miam, wmc stands for winter music conference. a time of the year which for decades has been the hot spot for the biggest electronic music parties. record labels showcase their artist & music lovers go and dance their butts off. for a very long time i wanted to go but never had the chance or really never got my shit together in time to go to miami while i was single. it was until i had given birth to luna that the opportunity came & till this day i am kind of in shock that i went. because when i went to miami, luna had been only about seven weeks old. i guess once i start to think back to those days i do justify leaving my seven week old baby with my mom & three sisters for three days. we all know, we can't turn back time, but if i could i probably would. just a day after luna was born her papa had to leave for a couple days, only to come back & leave for over a month on a east coast tour. those were the toughest days i have ever lived. having a newborn & a 21month old alone in a second floor apartment during shitty weather was the worst. niko was jealous & hit luna a couple times, he & i got very sick, i wasn't able to breastfeed comfortably while niko was sick & i was so overwhelmed, tired & frustrated. i felt guilty for not being able to breastfeed because of my stress & there were so many days during that period of time where i just wanted to fast forward time. i wanted raoul to be back home so he could help me out, & i wanted luna to be bigger so she could walk like niko. i had to carry both of them up two flights of stairs each time i wanted to go anywhere. & i didn't have a washer & dryer in my apartment. life wasn't very easy. well, i got through it alive & when raoul was back home, he would only be back for a short while and then leave to europe again. i had the opportunity to go to miami with the mister since he was playing a couple shows & some of my best friends would be there too. the people in charge of my kids would be my mom & three sister and i would be able to spend some relaxing time with the mister. at the time i did want to get the hell out of there, i was constantly crying & stressed out. i had the time of my life in miami! i danced with my best friends & spent time with my love by the beach, drinking, talking and holding hands. we got to meet kelis & rye rye, who we still keep in touch with. in the videos below you can get a sense of the fun we had at one of the shows. i still feel robbed of the newborn stage with luna, i didn't get to enjoy her first days-weeks like a mama should. so my stressed out self went to miami & it was just what i needed during that time.
but on my way back home i felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt that has stuck with me ever since. sure, my daughter doesn't remember & its not like i was breast feeding so she was fine. but as a mom i feel i should always suck it up, as hard as times get. even as i type now it is hard to swallow. & who knows if i would really do anything differently after all, i'm just glad i didn't go crazy or get depressed. right now it's two a.m., i have luna in my bed & niko laying on top of me since he woke up a couple minutes ago. i would not change one thing in my life now, i am blessed & so grateful for what i have. that said, i could use a vacation! with or without the kids. we haven't traveled in a while & i am just so ready for a new scenery. but this year my best friends went to miami for the first time & i was so happy to see photos they posted on facebook. i told the mister jokingly (hoping he would take it seriously) put me on a plane right now to miami!! maybe next year. a mama could only dream of music, beach time & delicious slushy chocolate flavored alcohol beverages with friends.