Tuesday, March 27, 2012

MIAMI & MOMMY GUILT

boy was i procrastinating writing this post. this weekend was wmc in miam, wmc stands for winter music conference. a time of the year which for decades has been the hot spot for the biggest electronic music parties. record labels showcase their artist & music lovers go and dance their butts off. for a very long time i wanted to go but never had the chance or really never got my shit together in time to go to miami while i was single. it was until i had given birth to luna that the opportunity came & till this day i am kind of in shock that i went. because when i went to miami, luna had been only about seven weeks old. i guess once i start to think back to those days i do justify leaving my seven week old baby with my mom & three sisters for three days. we all know, we can't turn back time, but if i could i probably would. just a day after luna was born her papa had to leave for a couple days, only to come back & leave for over a month on a east coast tour. those were the toughest days i have ever lived. having a newborn & a 21month old alone in a second floor apartment during shitty weather was the worst. niko was jealous & hit luna a couple times, he & i got very sick, i wasn't able to breastfeed comfortably while niko was sick & i was so overwhelmed, tired & frustrated. i felt guilty for not being able to breastfeed because of my stress & there were so many days during that period of time where i just wanted to fast forward time. i wanted raoul to be back home so he could help me out, & i wanted luna to be bigger so she could walk like niko. i had to carry both of them up two flights of stairs each time i wanted to go anywhere. & i didn't have a washer & dryer in my apartment. life wasn't very easy. well, i got through it alive & when raoul was back home, he would only be back for a short while and then leave to europe again. i had the opportunity to go to miami with the mister since he was playing a couple shows & some of my best friends would be there too. the people in charge of my kids would be my mom & three sister and i would be able to spend some relaxing time with the mister. at the time i did want to get the hell out of there, i was constantly crying & stressed out. i had the time of my life in miami! i danced with my best friends & spent time with my love by the beach, drinking, talking and holding hands. we got to meet kelis & rye rye, who we still keep in touch with. in the videos below you can get a sense of the fun we had at one of the shows. i still feel robbed of the newborn stage with luna, i didn't get to enjoy her first days-weeks like a mama should. so my stressed out self went to miami & it was just what i needed during that time.
but on my way back home i felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt that has stuck with me ever since. sure, my daughter doesn't remember & its not like i was breast feeding so she was fine. but as a mom i feel i should always suck it up, as hard as times get. even as i type now it is hard to swallow. & who knows if i would really do anything differently after all, i'm just glad i didn't go crazy or get depressed. right now it's two a.m., i have luna in my bed & niko laying on top of me since he woke up a couple minutes ago. i would not change one thing in my life now, i am blessed & so grateful for what i have. that said, i could use a vacation! with or without the kids. we haven't traveled in a while & i am just so ready for a new scenery. but this year my best friends went to miami for the first time & i was so happy to see photos they posted on facebook. i told the mister jokingly (hoping he would take it seriously) put me on a plane right now to miami!! maybe next year. a mama could only dream of music, beach time & delicious slushy chocolate flavored alcohol beverages with friends.

3 comments:

Morgan Fairchild said...

Oh, my sweet friend, I absolutely think you made the right choice. I think so many times as moms we feel like we should just suck things up, but you need to do what is good for you, too. Moms need breaks and times just to have fun. You're right, Luna doesn't remember, but if she did, I'm sure she would have wanted you to go and is glad you did!

Morgan Fairchild said...

Oh, and you had a seven week old in those pictures? How do you look so HOT?

Veronica Glam said...

Good for you chika! Love the pictures...I am glad you had fun. I will be in Miami this coming weekend. Thanks for sharing :)

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